Be Romantic. Now!
Monday, February 14th, 2011When I was younger I had a love-hate relationship with Valentine’s Day. Awash in ambivalence, I had mixed emotions about both the theory and the practice of this holiday. I wanted to love it. I wanted to be swept off my feet in a flurry of romantic showmanship. But at the same time I questioned a holiday that – more times than not – excluded me. Then in the years when I was one half of a couple I loved being eligible for the festivities, but resented the pressure to summon passion and romance on demand. Don’t get me wrong – I love romance. But there were always other aspects of dating relationships that I loved more.
I sometimes wonder if I’m an anomaly. I wonder if I’m missing the romance chromosome. Because while I can appreciate a candlelit dinner, I care much more about the conversation that takes place over those candles than about the candles themselves. I feel just as much affection for my husband after a few laughs at a baseball game as I do at a quiet table for two.
Given this, you won’t be surprised to learn of my relief when I happened upon this article on The Huffington Post about the post-romantic age of marriage. Author Pamela Haag explains that marriage (like any other cultural structure) has changed over time. In the 19th century it was a “social institution and duty.” It was a woman’s ticket to stability, and a man’s ticket to sex. Then, per Haag, the 20th century brought about a romantic revolution of sorts. Love became the end in itself.
But now, for the 21st century, Haag writes of a new brand of marriage. It is rooted in friendship. It may include professional collaboration. It extends far beyond the confines of a romance to find stability in all corners of our lives. It is marriage that comes later in life – perhaps as an amendment to a fully-formed person, rather than a required rite of adulthood that exclusively defines us from the moment we say “I do.” Haag goes on to explain, “The post-romantic not only accommodates but idealizes the stable over the sublime.”
This description of marriage suits me, probably because it’s the version of marriage I’ve always known. Nevertheless, I felt validated as I read Haag’s article. My reluctance toward Valentine’s Day isn’t a shortcoming unique to me. It is symptomatic of an entire generation’s beliefs about the qualities of a good relationship. If grand romantic gestures leave me cold it is because I came of age in an era that sings the praises of friendship, compatibility, camaraderie, and partnership. Romance is still a part of the equation, to be sure. But in my experience romance is helped by spontaneity, and hindered by extensive planning; thus my hesitant feelings about Valentine’s Day.
I’ve gone through many phases when it comes to Valentine’s Day: Embrace it. Ignore it. Hate it. Love it. Accept it grudgingly. Don’t be bothered by it. Etc. I’m happy to report that as a married woman in her thirties I’ve finally made my peace with this holiday. A level of observation that is probably best described as “happy medium” seems to suit both of us individually. And after many years together that is what we’ve both embraced.
Today is GAP’s and my twelfth Valentine’s Day. We will eat cheese fondue, a delicious (if generic) choice. We will drink red wine. We will nibble on dessert. We will probably curl up for an episode of Friday Night Lights. We will tell each other that we love each other. And if we are not overcome with romantic gusto, that’s just fine with me. Romance happens when it happens. In the meantime I know there will be love, laughter, and friendship.